Where is the hickey?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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