Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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