how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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