I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
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My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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