that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
