hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
