soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
