tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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