I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
