I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
