tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
