I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
