Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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