The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
