Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i jhust puked up my retainher.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
