she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
