i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
