Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How external is "for external use only"?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
