Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
