I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
