He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
