I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
