y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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