Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
