So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize