Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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