My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
