The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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