how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
