I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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