apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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