I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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