you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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