Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
A bitchslap is in order.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
