I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
