My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
