i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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