Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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