It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
