I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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