He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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