you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
