Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
