I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
