i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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