So drunk its hurt
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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