Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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