good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
