On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
