she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
