remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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