Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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