Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
